ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
