I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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