I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize