I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he shaved USA in his pubs
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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