they need to just BURY HIM!
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
