I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
