This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
