I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
