You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
