woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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