My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
