This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
