dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
