and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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