my phone needs a breathalizer
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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