Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
