Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
