You're my little dorito
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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