Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
