I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Text me some of your sweat
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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