hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
