we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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