She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
