Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
