wanna go halves on a baby?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
