my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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