I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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