A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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