They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
