so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Randomize
