I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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