I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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