My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
How does it feel to date your dad?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
