Can i not drive my cunt home
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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