I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
