How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
