3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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