when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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