Just fell off a train. Bad.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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