I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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