I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
