I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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