is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
