I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
