I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
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