Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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