so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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