Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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