...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
