Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
