shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
My life is pants optional.
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