I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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