He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
