I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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