I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
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