your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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